Caffeine.bz

Red Bull Energy Shot

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 19:09:00 -0400

Pictured at the right is a family portrait that’s sure to both warm and accelerate the cockles of one’s heart to equally uncomfortable levels. Look’it the widdle guy! So young, so naive, so full of chemicals. I think we can all remember those days.

This thing has been a long time coming, and I like to think that I managed to keep some very realistic expectations of it. “It will taste kind of like Red Bull,” “it will be comparable in strength to the leading energy shot, ol’ 5-Hour,” “I will never be burdened by sleep ever again.” I was 1/3rd correct: it does taste kinda like a concentrated Red Bull, though not as harsh as you might be thinking. Imagine if someone mixed up a double-dose batch of Red Bull flavored Kool-Aid, and that’s basically what we’re talking about here. It’s actually very pleasant—I don’t think I’m doing it justice. If you’re inclined towards Red Bull, I’m confident you’ll enjoy it.

That said: Under 100 milligrams of caffeine, in an energy shot? My initial reaction was that this long-awaited sauce was weak, and I did despair. But perhaps the issue lies not with the Red Bull Shot, but truly, within myself? Let us think on this:

Chemically, this thing weighs in around the same area as a small can of Red Bull. It’s not like you’re slugging back a Sixteen Hour Anyurism (patent pending) in the morning and you’re wired for the entire day. Picture this, instead: say, you drink two or three cans of Red Bull to get through your average day—let’s assume for a moment that you have a caffeine problem, as I have heard some people on the internet do. Now, these little guys take the place of one or more of said cans! Variety is the spice of life, they say. They’re convenient, they’re delicious, and they keep you at a very pleasant caffeine baseline.

As an added bonus: Very stashable. You never know when you’ll find yourself deep in the throes of the caffeine DTs, without a convenience store in sight. In that respect, it’s like a little portable epinephrine shot for those of us deathly allergic to decaf.

Relax Drank

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 19:08:00 -0400

“Relax Drank.” I don’t even know where to begin.

This stuff is the antithesis of this entire website. This is not an energy drink. This is a relaxation drink, which couldn’t possibly be further from how I roll. If I don’t have my heart rate up somewhere it shouldn’t be and my neurons aren’t throwing off sparks like an arc welder, I might as well be asleep.

Never the less, I drank it. I did. I hated the idea, but for you guys—my loyal four-or-so readers—I drank it.

It’s got 1mg of melatonin in it. Melatonin. You get this stuff in sleeping pills, I think somewhere in the ballpark of 3mg. I’m not 100% as to whether or not melatonin crosses the blood-brain barrier when taken orally, but that is science for another day. It’s got some other wacky stuff like rose hips (which are just lousy with vitamin C, for what that’s worth), and valerian root. Theoretically, yeah, these are pretty well established relaxation/sleepiness chemicals. This has all the potential to be a big can of kryptonite.

It was actually very tasty, like a light grape soda. If this were an energy drink that tasted this good, I’d have a new #1 favorite.

Did it work? Actually, yes. I became “chilled,” yeah—even a little drowsy. Granted, it’s very possible this was just a placebo effect, but from where I’m sitting, yeah, it worked. Give it a try for yourself; for science. Let me know.

In yet another installment of Wilto’s Design Corner: This can is hilarious. I don’t know if this bizarre branding was intentionally ridiculous, but it’s amazing. “Relax Drank: Extreme Relaxation Beverage. Slow your roll.™” I picture a DJ dozing off while doing skateboard tricks. I have no idea who they’re trying to market this thing towards, but I think maybe it’s me.

Red Bull Cola

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 19:07:00 -0400

I feel like this had a lot of potential. If this were some kind of Jolt/Red Bull hybrid, I can see where that’d be good, y’know? At least tolerable. But, no. This is just awful, because I guess they figured no one would go for it without the “all natural” gimmick.

Look, I get what they were going for, here. “All Natural” is a big thing right now, right alongside all this “hurf hurf sustainable green durf.” Some guy in the initial Red Bull Cola meeting probably threw out “all natural ingredients” alongside “biodegradable cardboard cans” and “fairly traded free-range octopus ink labels,” and he most likely got a raise for it. There’s a lot of money in convincing people that they can refute the second law of thermodynamics, and good on ‘em.

You wanna market a car made entirely out of wicker, that’s cool, knock yourself out—but it’s not gonna sell energy drinks. We’re not your target demographic—we’re in it for the unnatural ingredients. Every day we pump can after can full of chemicals of questionable nature and origin into our respective bloodstreams, in search of an energy boost above how our all-natural bodies normally work.

We’d also like to get said boost from something that tastes at least halfway decent, which–and I can’t stress this enough–Red Bull Cola does not.

Bawls "G33K B33R"

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 19:07:00 -0400

Now, I don’t want you guys thinking I’m one-note here: I don’t sit around cracking open shot after shot of heinous chemicals at all times. Sometimes, a man just has thirst to quench. I’ve had my fair share of soft drinks, and a wholly unfair share of some. Mountain Dew? Man. Code Red in particular—my God, it bordered on obsession. Case after case. Two cans with breakfast. I still slip up every now and then.

Before that? The good Dr. Pepper. Prior to that: root beer. I’m not saying I’m some kind of connoisseur or anything, but I have been known to swish an A&W.

In root beer terms? This stuff is pretty good. No crazy flavors happening on account of the energy drink aspect. It’s no Barqs, which I find is generally the best root beer bang for your slightly-more-than-a-buck. It’s a purely caffeine/guarana kind of thing—like regular Bawls before it—so it’s not exactly a huge kick in the face when it hits you. Still, pretty solid buzz. A sippin’ drink.

The only thing that’s throwing me off on this one is the outright embarrassing name.

Look, I’m a nerdy kid. And no, not in the “hipster kid who wears $50 faux-aged Nintendo t-shirts and a calculator watch” kind of way. I’m talking about legit nerdliness—Zelda tattoo nerdliness. Walking around with a bottle that has some of the letters swapped for numbers? Not helping my case. It’s like wearing a placard that says “ASK ME ABOUT MY WARCRAFT GUILD.”

Slump Buster

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 19:06:00 -0400

I’d just finished up at the checkout of a local Walgreens when I spied a stack of boxes, full of black, unmistakably energy-drink-shaped cans. Imagine my shock when, upon closer inspection, I was met with the sight of one Kevin Youkilis’ majestic beard. Turns out, the beloved first baseman of the Boston Red Sox had put out his own for-charity energy drink. I darted back into line and held the can at the clerk with child-like excitement.

“A Youk energy drink!”
“Yeah,” the teenage cashier muttered, with genuine disinterest. “No one buys these.”
“I assume most people can’t deal with the side-effects.”
She glanced up at me for a moment, stone-faced.
“Instant beard,” I clarified.

Now, here I am expecting a big can of pseudo Red Bull, as is so often the case with these fly-by-night drinks. No, it turns out: highly carbonated, with a light, almost Bawls-esque flavor. It was, at first taste, excellent. Not only would it undoubtedly make me good at baseball, but it was delicious! Or so I initially thought.

Then, slowly, a grey wave of mediocrity washed over me—a terrible and familiar aftertaste. I confirmed my suspicions with a reluctant, flinching glance at the can’s finer print: “0 carbs.” this was a diet energy drink. I persevered, I kept the faith, I even cowboy’d up for a fleeting moment—but, in the end, I couldn’t get past that pervasive diet-anything flavor.

If you’re into the diet thing and you can find it, you may well enjoy this drink. As for me, well… Youk, don’t blame me if I ever doubt [your beverages]; you know we couldn’t live without you.

Bally Blast

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 19:06:00 -0400

I have to give it to Bally’s—the gym people—for figuring out a way to pack so much concentrated awful into such a tiny bottle. I hate them for it.

I wasn’t prepared for this. I’m thinking, “hey, it’s a shot! You hardly taste these things; it can only be so bad!” This was not a matter of my personal preferences, or a funky chemical flavor, or a weird aftertaste—this was a bizarre and putrid, distinctly organic mixture. It tastes like it’s gone bad, seemingly by design.

I have two theories on how this stuff is made. Join me as I hypothesize, won’t you?

1) A elderly witch doctor toils deep in the black heart of Bally’s Total Fitness headquarters, torn from his home and forced into an uncaring world that he can never hope to understand. Under penalty of death he’s forced to brew batch after batch of a what was once a sacred recipe, prepared in tribute to an ancient fertility god and consumed by the newlyweds in his tribe, that they might produce strong, healthy offspring. He goes through dozens of spoons per day, as each time he stirs his simmering cauldron he draws back a shriveled and charred handle (y’know, like in old Bugs Bunny cartoons). He weeps nightly. No one hears his cries.

2) Some guy scoops this stuff out of a clogged storm drain.

But for all the disgusting taste, how does it work? Poorly. I was half-expecting rocket fuel here—if it tastes this bad, part of me expects that it would work great. But, no. No kick, no buzz, no appeal whatsoever. Two thumbs down.

Monster Heavy Metal

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 19:05:00 -0400

Answering the doorbell, I was greeted by an outstretched arm bearing, with no small degree of effort, a 32oz. can of Monster Heavy Metal.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“I know, dude, that’s why I got it. You gotta write about this.”
“Man, I can’t drink this; I’ll die. I don’t think I could drink all this if it were water.”

Moderately daunted, I pulled the tab this morning.

My first observation is that you will look like a goddamned cartoon character, hoisting this ridiculous thing with one comparatively tiny hand. Taste-wise, not at all what I was expecting—nothing like standard Monster, not a Red Bull clone. It actually tasted pretty natural, like some vaguely chemically, watered-down juice blend. I assume this is because finishing a can of Monster this size would be a twisted endurance contest—but then again, I’m not a big fan of it to start with. It was alright.

I managed about half of this beast before I lost interest, and I’m not adverse to it. The buzz was about what you’d get from drinking an equal amount of any of the big-name drinks; nothing special there.

My question is: who needs this? Who walks into their neighborhood 7-11 and says to themselves “I could really go for like eight servings of an energy drink this morning?” Moreover, who comes casually strolling into their office or onto a job site with a can that could honestly do with a handle or wheels, as though it’s perfectly natural?

So basically, it’s an okay thing to drink, as a substance. If you need this much, maybe it’s time to take a step back and consider some substance abuse counseling? Or take a couple No-Doz, I mean, I’m not gonna judge. At least then you won’t sound like a water balloon every time you move.

Jolt Endurance Shot

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 19:05:00 -0400

This has secured the number one spot, for all my kidney-wrecking energy drink experimentation. This stuff? Awesome.

That’d be my sendoff line, if I found myself in a mid-nineties commercial for Jolt Endurance Shot. I’d end this review with a smile and a big thumbs up to the camera. Maybe a wink? Freeze the frame and fade to black, as I have said all that need be said.

Thing is, I’m not especially into niacin. I dunno if it’s just me, but I don’t think expanding my blood vessels just for the sake of doing so leaves me more energetic than I otherwise would be. I’m guessing a lot of companies throw it into their energy shots for the sake of producing a palpable “rush.” I’m pretty sure that my body has for the whole blood-moving thing on lock, no augmentation needed.

These Jolt shots are sans-niacin, which is rare. Just a bunch of caffeine and some other nondescript chemicals that I didn’t care enough to pull up on Wikipedia. Whatever they are, they work great, and that’s enough for me. Real smooth buzz that lasts you for a solid portion of the day—no crash, no shakes.

I ended up with the grape flavor, which tastes like “grape flavor.” Grape drink, cough syrup—all the same stuff. I don’t particularly mind it. It’s like taking a swig of strong Kool-Aid™.

The packaging is pretty decent too, especially compared to some of the other energy shots out there. I’m looking at you, 6 Hour Power.

NOS

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 19:04:00 -0400

The packaging looks like a nitrous tank. That’s the main idea here, for those of you fortunate enough to never have been caught up in the marginally fast and relatively furious world of aluminum spoilers and fake blow-off valves for naturally aspirated Honda Civics. Long ago did I cast my gaze upon this dark terrain from the seat of my Mitsubishi Eclipse, and yea, I did despair.

So, it’s surprisingly fruit-juice-tasting. I was expecting a Monster-esque kinda deal or power steering fluid or something, but no, actually fairly pleasant. It tastes like someone took one of those arguably make-believe Vitamin Water flavors like “starfruit” or “passionberry” or whatever, boiled it down for a while, and added a little carbonation. It does look like antifreeze, though. Just sayin’.

The caffeine level is absurdly high on this one, which caught me off-guard—somethin’ to the tune of 300+ milligrams per 22 ounce bottle. That’s like drinking four consecutive Red Bulls. That is a solid hit of the old anhydrous no matter how you look at it, and I am in favor of that.

I give this one a thumbs-up if you’re looking to kickstart your nervous system in a big way. Now, go back and read this post again in the voice of Vin Diesel, if you weren’t already.

5-Hour Energy

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 19:04:00 -0400

I forget what it was that inspired me to purchase this–my first energy shot–on that fateful day. I was down with the caffeine and all, sure, but all those crazy vitamins? Drinking 8333% of your recommended daily allowance of anything, I assumed, was probably enough of it to kill you. That’s one hundred and sixty oranges worth of vitamin C, or forty gallons of water. And yeah, lots of people use it, okay. Some people also do meth, and I wasn’t planning on slugging any of that down during my commute either.

Even now, after dozens of these little bastards, I still eye them with reservation. Like the plot of so many buddy cop movies, I don’t trust it and it doesn’t like my liver, but we’re just gonna have to put aside our differences for the time being and work together—because, by God, these syrupy little potions work.

This is likely as close as one can get to a video-game-style power-up, at least within the context of things found at a convenience store checkout. Not but a few scant moments after finishing it off, it hits you: a literal rush of energy, that continues on for the handful of hours advertised. You’re not super jittery, but you’re energetic. You’re motivated. You’re focused. You’re ready to take on the world. Sometimes, as an added bonus, you’re red?

Yeah, you can turn red from all the niacin in this stuff. When a drink is messing with my own personal hue/saturation, I can’t help but assume something biochemically unsettling is goin’ down. But turning an Irishman red is really no large accomplishment, and it’s a small price to pay for such effectiveness.

It’s a shot and all, so taste doesn’t enter into the equation in a big way, but they’re actually pretty good. I haven’t found a flavor that I dislike.

All in all, 5-Hour Energy has earned my seal of approval. Go get yourself one and try it. It’s an experience.

Redline

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 19:02:00 -0400

There was a time when I, your humble reviewer, was big into exercise (those days have long since passed). “Redline” was one of those insane workout-boosting liquids you’d take by the teaspoon—one was really all it took to turn me into some kind of teeth-gnashing monstrosity with unnatural blood vessels showin’ all over the place. After the effects had worn off I was left a shaking and disoriented husk, wracked with chills and sore for days. I swore off the substance forever.

And yet, here we are.

I’m gonna be honest with you all: I’m scared of this drink. If we’re talking about the all the same chemicals here, it’s going to be like Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk to do his day job. I assume I’ll go through several keyboards, and possibly try to eat my mouse. Will I feel a need to bench press my co-workers? If my iMac throws an error message, will I have the cognitive capacity to understand that it is not a personal threat against me and/or my kin? Time will tell. I’m sippin’ on this stuff in real-time, so expect this to start reading a lot like the end of Flowers for Algernon.

First and foremost, it actually tastes pretty okay. I went with the Triple Berry flavor, and it’s alright. Big time medicinal aftertaste, which is to be expected from a drink packed with ingredients like “N-acetyl-K-tyrosine.” It tastes a lot like one of those 5 Hour Energy shots, which is unsettling—if I’m staring down the barrel of an 8oz bottle of that stuff, I should probably start writing up what personal possessions I’m leaving to whom right here and now.

It’s full of vasodilators, some kind of nootropic, and some chemical compound that’s been proven to stop fat uptake in mice. It’s two servings to a bottle at 125mg of caffeine per, warnings of which are plastered all over the label. In fact, in general, there are warnings plastered all over the label. It has drug interactions, and there’s a whole list of conditions wherein you should consult a “licensed qualified health care professional” before drinking it. I… I’m not sure anyone should drink this?

The kick is brutal. This is not a daily drink. This is probably not an “ever” drink. You don’t need to be this vasodilated or “ripped” or whatever just to ride the train and read a book. I mean, if you do, it’s cool—you have my blessing. Please don’t hit me.

Plus side of these jitters? Gigantic muscles. No working out required; I’m just getting huge over here. Biceps as far as the eyes can see.

Bawls

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 19:01:00 -0400

The Cadillac of energy drinks. The Cristal of the nerd-set. The very bottle speaks of class and distinction. Also: the name is hilarious, and it’s all I can do to keep this post from degenerating into a list of debatably clever double-entendres.

~~When Bawls hits your tongue~~ ~~When you taste the Bawls~~ Bawls has a very light, naturally sweet flavor that’s meant to be savored at one’s leisure. It’s not an oh-god-half-an-hour-to-finish-this-website kind of drink that you smash back for a quick chemical rush, because it’s just too good for that. You would be hard-pressed to find a finer way to stay at your baseline.

This is the kind of thing a caffeine junky would sip on while sittin’ in a bigass leather chair. You crack open a bottle with deep reverence, breath deep of the icy plume of condensation that results. Maybe you’re wearing a red velour robe, maybe you have a pipe—I don’t know how you roll, but I assume that’s pretty close to it.

There was a time when it had to be ordered online (Thinkgeek), which only added to its air of of exclusivity. Now it’s starting to pop up in retail stores, which is cool. 7-11 has it pretty consistently, which is unsurprising considering their dedication to the luxurious and refined. Go and find yourself some; you’ll thank me later.

Jolt Orange Blast

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 19:00:00 -0400

Holy hell, it’s Jolt. This is a beverage for a more innocent age—a time when caffeine intoxication was new and exciting, and Jolt was reserved mostly for kids who’d watched Hackers a handful of times and had at least one copy of The Anarchist’s Cookbook on a floppy. I’m just saying, I knew one of those kids. Let’s call him “a friend.”

In my youth, Jolt was the thing to drink when I was staying up all night building complicated games in Hypercard on my Mac Classic II—so now that I’ve matured to staying up all night building complicated websites in TextMate on my iMac, you can see where I’m pretty psyched to see my old buddy Jolt.

I gotta say, too: I get a kick out of the can looking like a big battery. It’s like a dorky old-man-joke that wouldn’t be half as entertaining if it weren’t coming from some cool old guy.

It tastes a-okay by me. Plain ol’ orange soda flavor, with a hint of that weird and undefinable Jolt aftertaste. It’s still one of the industry leaders for caffeine content. When you’re the OG of the caffeine game, you got to come real with the milligrams. Feel me?

Red Bull

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 19:00:00 -0400

Maybe you’ve heard of this one. The quintessential modern energy drink. The sweet nectar that paved the way for a thousand imitations. I mean, what’s to say? If you’re reading this, you’ve had Red Bull. It’s just sweet enough, it’s just tart enough, and it calms the shakes.

Weighing in at only 90 or so milligrams of caffeine for the smallest size can, it takes several to buoy me through my average day. Your mileage may vary; I may just have a problem.

Don’t get me wrong, either: it’s still got about as much caffeine kick as a cup of coffee. Keep a few handy, and they’ll see you through the long-haul—this drink is designed for a long-term buzz, not a sprint. On those sleepless nights when I am become a dead-eyed engine of web design, it’s Red Bull pulling the strings of this horrible, lurching marionette. Also, it tastes good.

My final verdict? If they made Red Bull scented cologne, I’d wear it.

No Fear

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 18:56:49 -0400

I’m just gonna throw this right out there: not delicious. No part of this drink is appealing to me. I don’t like the taste, I don’t like the can, and I sorta resent the store clerk who sold it to me. Even the name “No Fear” is awful—it speaks to me of tribal shoulder tattoos and black, wolf-centric t-shirts.

For the record, too, I wouldn’t be adverse to giving a quick open-hand slap to whomever designed the label. There are seven different fonts on the front of the can. That’s right, seven typefaces were harmed in the making of this can.

It’s kind of got a raw sugary taste, in what seems to be a half-assed attempt at covering up a sickly medicinal vibe. And I mean, hey, maybe it’s got a nice little kick to it! Maybe drinking it will be me into some kind of crazy transcendental caffeine-zone. Hell, maybe drinking one full can will instill in the drinker the ability to fly and shoot lasers our of their eyes. Unfortunately, this is something I will never know, as the can I bought just sat on my desk being offensive to each one of my senses for the duration of the work day.

I had a Red Bull.

Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 18:53:00 -0400

Let me start out by saying this: There is something deeply unsettling about the site of a tall, foaming glass of Brawndo. Some centuries-old genetic imperative gnaws at the back of your mind, seeking to steer you away from a substance that was obviously never meant to be ingested.

That being said, Brawndo is goddamned delicious.

I am not ashamed to say that I was scared of it. It genuinely looks like it belongs tucked under the kitchen sink. Somehow, despite being neon green, it stains everything it touches highlighter-yellow. In a bizarre accident that miraculously resulted in zero (0) superpowers, I can verify with certainty that this includes human skin and living room curtains.

None the less, Brawndo is good. It has a very pleasing lime taste. Not too sweet, no funky aftertaste. It’s every bit as drinkable as Gatorade, but has less of a sugar-water thing goin’ on, and leaves you with a solid caffeine buzz. Officially—and this is on the record, now—it has become my morning beverage of choice.

My rating for Brawndo is: “Holding down the safety on a nail gun and shooting nails at stuff.” It’s something no one should ever do and probably every bit as dangerous as it seems, but, man, doing that is awesome.

Rockstar "Punched"

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 18:53:00 -0400

If you’re like me, seeing punch-flavored anything calls to mind the bright red, non-specific “fruit” punch that was all the rage throughout my childhood. The stuff that came in big nondescript glass jugs, with an ingredient list that read something like:

High fructose corn syrup, water, red

Imagine my delight when I discovered that Rockstar chose not to deviate from that tried and true mid-80’s formula! Instantly I was whisked back to a time when I was forming strong opinions about the place of Super Mario Bros. 2 within the scope of series.

It’s the kind of sickly-sweet that you’re thinking of, which isn’t intolerable. If you put a couple of heaping scoops of Starburst in a blender and added some seltzer, that’s basically what we’re talkin’ about here. It deviates from the standard Rockstar formula that more tartness equals more X-TREME™, which, y’know, that’s fine by me.

Buzz-wise, it didn’t seem to have a whole hell of a lot of kick to it. It’s not gonna be anyone’s go-to drink when you’re looking for the big time palpitations, but it just might do the job if you’re looking to pop in a VHS and get radical with some Ninja Turtles cartoons.

Overall, I’d rate it as a solid, uh, “pretty okay.”

…Listen, I’m new at this, alright?