Redline
There was a time when I, your humble reviewer, was big into exercise (those days have long since passed). “Redline” was one of those insane workout-boosting liquids you’d take by the teaspoon—one was really all it took to turn me into some kind of teeth-gnashing monstrosity with unnatural blood vessels showin’ all over the place. After the effects had worn off I was left a shaking and disoriented husk, wracked with chills and sore for days. I swore off the substance forever.
And yet, here we are.
I’m gonna be honest with you all: I’m scared of this drink. If we’re talking about the all the same chemicals here, it’s going to be like Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk to do his day job. I assume I’ll go through several keyboards, and possibly try to eat my mouse. Will I feel a need to bench press my co-workers? If my iMac throws an error message, will I have the cognitive capacity to understand that it is not a personal threat against me and/or my kin? Time will tell. I’m sippin’ on this stuff in real-time, so expect this to start reading a lot like the end of Flowers for Algernon.
First and foremost, it actually tastes pretty okay. I went with the Triple Berry flavor, and it’s alright. Big time medicinal aftertaste, which is to be expected from a drink packed with ingredients like “N-acetyl-K-tyrosine.” It tastes a lot like one of those 5 Hour Energy shots, which is unsettling—if I’m staring down the barrel of an 8oz bottle of that stuff, I should probably start writing up what personal possessions I’m leaving to whom right here and now.
It’s full of vasodilators, some kind of nootropic, and some chemical compound that’s been proven to stop fat uptake in mice. It’s two servings to a bottle at 125mg of caffeine per, warnings of which are plastered all over the label. In fact, in general, there are warnings plastered all over the label. It has drug interactions, and there’s a whole list of conditions wherein you should consult a “licensed qualified health care professional” before drinking it. I… I’m not sure anyone should drink this?
The kick is brutal. This is not a daily drink. This is probably not an “ever” drink. You don’t need to be this vasodilated or “ripped” or whatever just to ride the train and read a book. I mean, if you do, it’s cool—you have my blessing. Please don’t hit me.
Plus side of these jitters? Gigantic muscles. No working out required; I’m just getting huge over here. Biceps as far as the eyes can see.
