Answering the doorbell, I was greeted by an outstretched arm bearing, with no small degree of effort, a 32oz. can of Monster Heavy Metal.

"You've got to be kidding me."
"I know, dude, that's why I got it. You gotta write about this."
"Man, I can't drink this; I'll die. I don't think I could drink all this if it were water."

Moderately daunted, I pulled the tab this morning.

My first observation is that you will look like a goddamned cartoon character, hoisting this ridiculous thing with one comparatively tiny hand. Taste-wise, not at all what I was expecting—nothing like standard Monster, not a Red Bull clone. It actually tasted pretty natural, like some vaguely chemically, watered-down juice blend. I assume this is because finishing a can of Monster this size would be a twisted endurance contest—but then again, I'm not a big fan of it to start with. It was alright.

I managed about half of this beast before I lost interest, and I'm not adverse to it. The buzz was about what you'd get from drinking an equal amount of any of the big-name drinks; nothing special there.

My question is: who needs this? Who walks into their neighborhood 7-11 and says to themselves "I could really go for like eight servings of an energy drink this morning?" Moreover, who comes casually strolling into their office or onto a job site with a can that could honestly do with a handle or wheels, as though it's perfectly natural?

So basically, it's an okay thing to drink, as a substance. If you need this much, maybe it's time to take a step back and consider some substance abuse counseling? Or take a couple No-Doz, I mean, I'm not gonna judge. At least then you won't sound like a water balloon every time you move.