July 2010
17 posts
Red Bull Energy Shot
Pictured at the right is a family portrait that’s sure to both warm and accelerate the cockles of one’s heart to equally uncomfortable levels. Look’it the widdle guy! So young, so naive, so full of chemicals. I think we can all remember those days.
This thing has been a long time coming, and I like to think that I managed to keep some very realistic expectations of it. “It...
Relax Drank
“Relax Drank.” I don’t even know where to begin.
This stuff is the antithesis of this entire website. This is not an energy drink. This is a relaxation drink, which couldn’t possibly be further from how I roll. If I don’t have my heart rate up somewhere it shouldn’t be and my neurons aren’t throwing off sparks like an arc welder, I might as well be...
Bawls "G33K B33R"
Now, I don’t want you guys thinking I’m one-note here: I don’t sit around cracking open shot after shot of heinous chemicals at all times. Sometimes, a man just has thirst to quench. I’ve had my fair share of soft drinks, and a wholly unfair share of some. Mountain Dew? Man. Code Red in particular—my God, it bordered on obsession. Case after case. Two cans with breakfast....
Red Bull Cola
I feel like this had a lot of potential. If this were some kind of Jolt/Red Bull hybrid, I can see where that’d be good, y’know? At least tolerable. But, no. This is just awful, because I guess they figured no one would go for it without the “all natural” gimmick.
Look, I get what they were going for, here. “All Natural” is a big thing right now, right...
Slump Buster
I’d just finished up at the checkout of a local Walgreens when I spied a stack of boxes, full of black, unmistakably energy-drink-shaped cans. Imagine my shock when, upon closer inspection, I was met with the sight of one Kevin Youkilis’ majestic beard. Turns out, the beloved first baseman of the Boston Red Sox had put out his own for-charity energy drink. I darted back into line and...
Bally Blast
I have to give it to Bally’s—the gym people—for figuring out a way to pack so much concentrated awful into such a tiny bottle. I hate them for it.
I wasn’t prepared for this. I’m thinking, “hey, it’s a shot! You hardly taste these things; it can only be so bad!” This was not a matter of my personal preferences, or a funky chemical flavor, or a weird...
Monster Heavy Metal
Answering the doorbell, I was greeted by an outstretched arm bearing, with no small degree of effort, a 32oz. can of Monster Heavy Metal.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” “I know, dude, that’s why I got it. You gotta write about this.” “Man, I can’t drink this; I’ll die. I don’t think I could drink all this if it were water.”
...
Jolt Endurance Shot
This has secured the number one spot, for all my kidney-wrecking energy drink experimentation. This stuff? Awesome.
That’d be my sendoff line, if I found myself in a mid-nineties commercial for Jolt Endurance Shot. I’d end this review with a smile and a big thumbs up to the camera. Maybe a wink? Freeze the frame and fade to black, as I have said all that need be said.
Thing is,...
5-Hour Energy
I forget what it was that inspired me to purchase this–my first energy shot–on that fateful day. I was down with the caffeine and all, sure, but all those crazy vitamins? Drinking 8333% of your recommended daily allowance of anything, I assumed, was probably enough of it to kill you. That’s one hundred and sixty oranges worth of vitamin C, or forty gallons of water. And yeah, lots of people...
NOS
The packaging looks like a nitrous tank. That’s the main idea here, for those of you fortunate enough to never have been caught up in the marginally fast and relatively furious world of aluminum spoilers and fake blow-off valves for naturally aspirated Honda Civics. Long ago did I cast my gaze upon this dark terrain from the seat of my Mitsubishi Eclipse, and yea, I did despair.
So,...
Redline
There was a time when I, your humble reviewer, was big into exercise (those days have long since passed). “Redline” was one of those insane workout-boosting liquids you’d take by the teaspoon—one was really all it took to turn me into some kind of teeth-gnashing monstrosity with unnatural blood vessels showin’ all over the place. After the effects had worn off I was left a...
Bawls
The Cadillac of energy drinks. The Cristal of the nerd-set. The very bottle speaks of class and distinction. Also: the name is hilarious, and it’s all I can do to keep this post from degenerating into a list of debatably clever double-entendres.
When Bawls hits your tongue When you taste the Bawls Bawls has a very light, naturally sweet flavor that’s meant to be savored at one’s...
Jolt Orange Blast
Holy hell, it’s Jolt. This is a beverage for a more innocent age—a time when caffeine intoxication was new and exciting, and Jolt was reserved mostly for kids who’d watched Hackers a handful of times and had at least one copy of The Anarchist’s Cookbook on a floppy. I’m just saying, I knew one of those kids. Let’s call him “a friend.”
In my youth, Jolt...
Red Bull
Maybe you’ve heard of this one. The quintessential modern energy drink. The sweet nectar that paved the way for a thousand imitations. I mean, what’s to say? If you’re reading this, you’ve had Red Bull. It’s just sweet enough, it’s just tart enough, and it calms the shakes.
Weighing in at only 90 or so milligrams of caffeine for the smallest size can, it takes...
No Fear
I’m just gonna throw this right out there: not delicious. No part of this drink is appealing to me. I don’t like the taste, I don’t like the can, and I sorta resent the store clerk who sold it to me. Even the name “No Fear” is awful—it speaks to me of tribal shoulder tattoos and black, wolf-centric t-shirts.
For the record, too, I wouldn’t be adverse to giving...
Rockstar "Punched"
If you’re like me, seeing punch-flavored anything calls to mind the bright red, non-specific “fruit” punch that was all the rage throughout my childhood. The stuff that came in big nondescript glass jugs, with an ingredient list that read something like:
High fructose corn syrup, water, red
Imagine my delight when I discovered that Rockstar chose not to deviate from that tried...
Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator
Let me start out by saying this: There is something deeply unsettling about the site of a tall, foaming glass of Brawndo. Some centuries-old genetic imperative gnaws at the back of your mind, seeking to steer you away from a substance that was obviously never meant to be ingested.
That being said, Brawndo is goddamned delicious.
I am not ashamed to say that I was scared of it. It genuinely looks...