Pictured at the right is a family portrait that’s sure to both warm and accelerate the cockles of one’s heart to equally uncomfortable levels. Look’it the widdle guy! So young, so naive, so full of chemicals. I think we can all remember those days.
This thing has been a long time coming, and I like to think that I managed to keep some very realistic expectations of it. “It will taste kind of like Red Bull,” “it will be comparable in strength to the leading energy shot, ol’ 5-Hour,” “I will never be burdened by sleep ever again.” I was 1/3rd correct: it does taste kinda like a concentrated Red Bull, though not as harsh as you might be thinking. Imagine if someone mixed up a double-dose batch of Red Bull flavored Kool-Aid, and that’s basically what we’re talking about here. It’s actually very pleasant—I don’t think I’m doing it justice. If you’re inclined towards Red Bull, I’m confident you’ll enjoy it.
That said: Under 100 milligrams of caffeine, in an energy shot? My initial reaction was that this long-awaited sauce was weak, and I did despair. But perhaps the issue lies not with the Red Bull Shot, but truly, within myself? Let us think on this:
Chemically, this thing weighs in around the same area as a small can of Red Bull. It’s not like you’re slugging back a Sixteen Hour Anyurism (patent pending) in the morning and you’re wired for the entire day. Picture this, instead: say, you drink two or three cans of Red Bull to get through your average day—let’s assume for a moment that you have a caffeine problem, as I have heard some people on the internet do. Now, these little guys take the place of one or more of said cans! Variety is the spice of life, they say. They’re convenient, they’re delicious, and they keep you at a very pleasant caffeine baseline.
As an added bonus: Very stashable. You never know when you’ll find yourself deep in the throes of the caffeine DTs, without a convenience store in sight. In that respect, it’s like a little portable epinephrine shot for those of us deathly allergic to decaf.
“Relax Drank.” I don’t even know where to begin.
I feel like this had a lot of potential. If this were some kind of Jolt/Red Bull hybrid, I can see where that’d be good, y’know? At least tolerable. But, no. This is just awful, because I guess they figured no one would go for it without the “all natural” gimmick.
Now, I don’t want you guys thinking I’m one-note here: I don’t sit around cracking open shot after shot of heinous chemicals at all times. Sometimes, a man just has thirst to quench. I’ve had my fair share of soft drinks, and a wholly unfair share of some. Mountain Dew? Man. Code Red in particular—my God, it bordered on obsession. Case after case. Two cans with breakfast. I still slip up every now and then.
I have to give it to Bally’s—the gym people—for figuring out a way to pack so much concentrated awful into such a tiny bottle. I hate them for it.
I’d just finished up at the checkout of a local Walgreens when I spied a stack of boxes, full of black, unmistakably energy-drink-shaped cans. Imagine my shock when, upon closer inspection, I was met with the sight of one Kevin Youkilis’ majestic beard. Turns out, the beloved first baseman of the Boston Red Sox had put out his own for-charity energy drink. I darted back into line and held the can at the clerk with child-like excitement.
Answering the doorbell, I was greeted by an outstretched arm bearing, with no small degree of effort, a 32oz. can of Monster Heavy Metal.
This has secured the number one spot, for all my kidney-wrecking energy drink experimentation. This stuff? Awesome.
The packaging looks like a nitrous tank. That’s the main idea here, for those of you fortunate enough to never have been caught up in the marginally fast and relatively furious world of aluminum spoilers and fake blow-off valves for naturally aspirated Honda Civics. Long ago did I cast my gaze upon this dark terrain from the seat of my Mitsubishi Eclipse, and yea, I did despair.
I forget what it was that inspired me to purchase this–my first energy shot–on that fateful day. I was down with the caffeine and all, sure, but all those crazy vitamins? Drinking 8333% of your recommended daily allowance of anything, I assumed, was probably enough of it to kill you. That’s one hundred and sixty oranges worth of vitamin C, or forty gallons of water. And yeah, lots of people use it, okay. Some people also do meth, and I wasn’t planning on slugging any of that down during my commute either.