Red Bull Energy Shot
July 15, 2009
Pictured at the right is a family portrait that's sure to both warm and accelerate the cockles of one's heart to equally uncomfortable levels. Look'it the widdle guy! So young, so naive, so full of chemicals. I think we can all remember those days.
Relax Drank
May 03, 2009
"Relax Drank." I don't even know where to begin.
This stuff is the antithesis of this entire website. This is not an energy drink. This is a relaxation drink, which couldn't possibly be further from how I roll. If I don't have my heart rate up somewhere it shouldn't be and my neurons aren't throwing off sparks like an arc welder, I might as well be asleep.
Never the less, I drank it. I did. I hated the idea, but for you guys—my loyal four-or-so readers—I drank it.
Bawls "G33K B33R"
April 08, 2009
Now, I don't want you guys thinking I'm one-note here: I don't sit around cracking open shot after shot of heinous chemicals at all times. Sometimes, a man just has thirst to quench. I've had my fair share of soft drinks, and a wholly unfair share of some. Mountain Dew? Man. Code Red in particular—my God, it bordered on obsession. Case after case. Two cans with breakfast. I still slip up every now and then.
Before that? The good Dr. Pepper. Prior to that: root beer. I'm not saying I'm some kind of connoisseur or anything, but I have been known to swish an A&W.
Red Bull Cola
March 28, 2009
I feel like this had a lot of potential. If this were some kind of Jolt/Red Bull hybrid, I can see where that'd be good, y'know? At least tolerable. But, no. This is just awful, because I guess they figured no one would go for it without the "all natural" gimmick.
Bally Blast
March 20, 2009
I have to give it to Bally's—the gym people—for figuring out a way to pack so much concentrated awful into such a tiny bottle. I hate them for it.
I wasn't prepared for this. I'm thinking, "hey, it's a shot! You hardly taste these things; it can only be so bad!" This was not a matter of my personal preferences, or a funky chemical flavor, or a weird aftertaste—this was a bizarre and putrid, distinctly organic mixture. It tastes like it's gone bad, seemingly by design.
I have two theories on how this stuff is made. Join me as I hypothesize, won't you?
Slump Buster
March 10, 2009
I'd just finished up at the checkout of a local Walgreens when I spied a stack of boxes, full of black, unmistakably energy-drink-shaped cans. Imagine my shock when, upon closer inspection, I was met with the sight of one Kevin Youkilis' majestic beard. Turns out, the beloved first baseman of the Boston Red Sox had put out his own for-charity energy drink. I darted back into line and held the can at the clerk with child-like excitement.
"A Youk energy drink!"
"Yeah," the teenage cashier muttered, with genuine disinterest. "No one buys these."
"I assume most people can't deal with the side-effects."
She glanced up at me for a moment, stone-faced.
"Instant beard," I clarified.
Monster Heavy Metal
March 08, 2009
Answering the doorbell, I was greeted by an outstretched arm bearing, with no small degree of effort, a 32oz. can of Monster Heavy Metal.
"You've got to be kidding me."
"I know, dude, that's why I got it. You gotta write about this."
"Man, I can't drink this; I'll die. I don't think I could drink all this if it were water."
Moderately daunted, I pulled the tab this morning.
Jolt Endurance Shot
March 08, 2009
This has secured the number one spot, for all my kidney-wrecking energy drink experimentation. This stuff? Awesome.
That'd be my sendoff line, if I found myself in a mid-nineties commercial for Jolt Endurance Shot. I'd end this review with a smile and a big thumbs up to the camera. Maybe a wink? Freeze the frame and fade to black, as I have said all that need be said.
NOS
February 25, 2009
The packaging looks like a nitrous tank. That's the main idea here, for those of you fortunate enough to never have been caught up in the marginally fast and relatively furious world of aluminum spoilers and fake blow-off valves for naturally aspirated Honda Civics. Long ago did I cast my gaze upon this dark terrain from the seat of my Mitsubishi Eclipse, and yea, I did despair.
5-Hour Energy
February 20, 2009
I forget what it was that inspired me to purchase this–my first energy shot–on that fateful day. I was down with the caffeine and all, sure, but all those crazy vitamins? Drinking 8333% of your recommended daily allowance of anything, I assumed, was probably enough of it to kill you. That's one hundred and sixty oranges worth of vitamin C, or forty gallons of water. And yeah, lots of people use it, okay. Some people also do meth, and I wasn't planning on slugging any of that down during my commute either.